Malley-Gram

Malley Muses

Limpalong?	It Behooves Us
I didn’t think that a mother would name her kid “Hopalong”. It’s a nickname given to Cassidy because of a limp. He limped in the first movie and then it simply disappeared. What’s up with that?	What is this “it” that does this to us and why? When was the last time that you behooved?

Party On	Let it Rock
I wonder if pirates and wenches used to have “Managers and Secretaries” parties?	I wonder how radio stations can claim to play x number of songs “uninterrupted”, when the “dj” keeps reminding listeners that there is no interruption between the songs?

Forked Tongue	Don't take it lying down
Who spoke first - Adam or Eve? And how the heck did the other one understand?	Why do we say: “it stands to reason”? Can’t it reason sitting down?

Odds Are	Mobily Downward
If you were to bet correctly that the world will end in 2007, how would you collect your winnings?	Why aren’t prisoners allowed to have a cell phone?

Mother, May I?	Filtered?
Why does a young man request the “hand” of a father’s daughter? Why not ask for the whole body?	I wonder if Hormel has trouble sending emails advertising its main product: SPAM?

Battery Carpets	"Sock it to me!"
Never mind poor chickens. What about all those rolls of carpets stuffed onto shelves in dimly lit storage sheds? It's inhumane that they are only released to be walked upon for the remainder of their life.	Muse no more. I have solved the mystery of the missing sock—you know where you put two into the wash and only one comes back. They run away and hide in Matthew’s room. How else can you explain the 63 socks found lying about his room.

Not Politically Correct	Forever, Amen
If Chinese are “Chinks”, then are Taiwanese “Twinks”?	Okay the Second Coming arrives and we are all resurrected. What will our bodies look like? The way they looked when you died? Or do you get to choose which age and hairdo to have for eternity? What about people who have had cosmetic surgery done?

Price of Oil	Lowdown on Dirt
Why do the same people who moan about the high cost of petrol (gasoline) buy a small bottle of water at twice the price? But even that is nothing compared to the cost of printer ink.	I have seen signs advertising “Top Soil”. Doesn’t anyone want “Bottom Soil”? What about a mixture—”Multi-Level Soil”?

Something's Rotten in...	Hip to be Male
How can you tell when blue vein, Roquefort or Limburger cheese, yoghurt or lutefisk have gone “off”??	Why does it seem that its only old ladies who fall down on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night and break their hip?

Not a Laughing Matter	Somewhere
How many times have you watched a movie that claims it will have you laughing out loud and you don’t? I think DVD’s should include an optional laugh track so, like TV shows, you will know when something is supposed to be funny.	When it’s raining it is called a “rainbow”. So has anyone ever seen one when it is snowing — the elusive “SNOWBOW” ?

Buck Stops Here	A Convert
Apparently the buck is always bigger on the other side. Minnesotans go to Wyoming to hunt deer. I wonder if Wyomingites come to Minnesota?	I have been doing these Malley-Grams from New Zealand. If we move back to the States, will they become “Malley-Ounces”?

Plagarized	Ministries Mysteries
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the tube? Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?	Apparently New Zealand has a Ministry of Fish. So I have to wonder whether or not a Ministry of Chips also exists. And is there a Ministry of Ministers (secular or religious)?

Vegans	Who Wants to Be
Do vegetarians eat Burger Rings, bacon or chicken flavored potato chips? Come to think of it why would anyone eat chips that taste like chicken??? So what’s next, lamb chips, hotdog flavored ice cream, meatloaf cakes, pork Jell-O???	I’d like to see a show where the contestants are billionaires and each time they get a question wrong they have to donate a million dollars to a different charity.

Big is Good	It doesn’t make Cents!!!
For the past 30 years I have run into more than several people who have or are going to study MICRObiology — but not once has anyone mentioned MACRObiology. Does it even exist?	What is a PRETTY PENNY or for that matter, what is an ugly penny? And if you can be BRIGHT AS A PENNY, can someone be Dull as a Dollar? PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

Heard This One?	Earn it
I wonder if I’d known lose my hearing I would That I’d have listened more when I could	Anyone can get married. The way so many marriages seem to come to an early end, it sure seems like a waste of money to throw a big wedding reception. So I propose that any celebrations be done on the 5th anniversary.

Malleyopolis	Off With His head
Pukekohe renamed its library “Bookinopolis”. No one likes it. What’s next??? Hospital = Sickinopolis Police Station = Copinopolis School = Learnopolis Church = Prayinopolis	Why not just display the head at a wake — just think of all the money you would save with the very small casket required to do the job?

Innie or Outie	Trick or Treet
If an “outhouse” is a toilet outside of the house, has the indoor one ever been called the “inhouse”?	Do WITCHES use SPELL checkers ? ? ?

And He Ain't BS'ing	And Loses Sleep Over this one:
How come a bull can just stand around eating grass and develop immense muscles? While if I do the same, I'd just waste away?	Is old wine in new bottles better than new wine in old bottles?

	Something Stinks
Is this the latest item that any well appointed internet surfer needs? Should I be sitting in one of these as I create my web pages?	Heard that 40% of US drinking water is contaminated. And that perfume is a main pollutant. Couldn't figure it out until I tried to buy a perfume-free soap in Arizona. Every single brand is "deodorant" soap with a fragrance. Its either that or they're spraying their lawns with it.

“Pay to Click”	Bad Year to Be a BOB
British Telecom wants to be paid for each time a "hyperlink" has been clicked since 1989. Yah, just like the guy who invented the semiphore got paid each time a car stopped at a corner. Or like having to pay each time you listen to a song. Wait a minute, that's just what record companies are trying to make happen!	2001 was the year for heart bypass surgery if your name happened to be "Bob". Bob Hansen, Bob Holmberg and Bob Wandersee had the procedure (and all doing well as I write this). My father’s surgeon wanted to do a bypass but my Dad didn’t qualify since his name is "John".

$	What's in A name?
I often wonder why petrol stations in this country bother to post prices on the street. Each company sells at exactly the same cost. If one (usually BP) raises the price by 4¢, the other three follow within 24 hours. Competition is non-existent. They all get petrol from the same storage tanks and make no claims that their own brand has better additives, because there is no difference.	Something strange happened – maybe its just my family but have you noticed that most kids seems to have names beginning with “A”? Only way I can explain is that the parents get a book of names and never get past the first letter. Am I right Amy, Asta, Ahnna, Alyssa, Abby, Adam, Alex, Angel, Allison, Andrea...?

I. n. i. t. i. a. l. s.	Baseball Caps
When did we lose the last full-stop (period for you Yanks) at the end of a group of initials???? When I grew up, it was “U.S.A.” Now it’s “U.S.A” without a “dot” at the end. It bothers me. I want to go around adding the missing dot. I refuse to change! I won’t !! Join my “keep the full-stop/period” campaign. A. S. A. P.	When did baseball caps become standard wear? I was looking at a 1965 World Series tape and no adult in the crowd was wearing one. Back then it was just little league boys and farmers (John Deere hats which weren't really baseball hats). But now men and women of all ages wear them. If you think you can explain, please share.

Fast Food	Grafitti
What are the odds that a fast food operation will ever ask : “DOWNSIZE that?”?	The graffiti I spotted in Australia seemed remarkably similar to that found in New Zealand. Coincidence? Is there graffiti in Muslim countries?

It's a Man Thing?	This Little Piggie
Recently, we got news that Rollie S has had some work done on his arteries. Made me think. We know quite a few men who had had heart/artery operations, but not a single woman???	Do you think it is called “Up Market” because they Mark It Up? Has anyone ever shopped “Down Market”?

Walk This Way	To Wit or Not to Wit
The only time I ever see a walking race is at the Olympics. I wonder if the person who finishes in 2nd place is still called the “runner up”? Shouldn’t it be the “walker up”?	I know a few half-wits, but I have never run across a full-wit. Is it just me, or am I dim-witted?

Timely Thought	Happy Birthday
If you rent a time machine and then return it before the day you took it, do you have to pay?	“Happy Birthday” sounds so dated. Txters say “hpE Bday” which is close what I sometimes write: “Happy Bday”. Snow White might say “Happy’s Birthday” or “Happy Birthday Happy”.

JUMP on the Bandwagon	Malley Goes Postal
Why does one jump onto one and when is the best time to do it? Has anyone ever actually seen a “band wagon”?	Why is the specialized knife called a “letter opener” when in fact it opens envelops? 99% of the envelops I open do not contain a letter!!!


Have It Your Way	Hi Ho Silver
Burger King’s catch phrase from the 70’s to be a point of difference from McDonalds. The slogan was revived in 2004. But almost every special and some of the regular menu items have the proviso: “No variations to…”	If the Lone Ranger were to be treated for cancer, would Tonto then call him: Chemo Sah-bee ?


Empty Nest	Memory Tricks
I think of it as “Empty Driveway” syndrome. We had 4 vehicles, Steph left and down to 3, David went to the States and it was 2 and now Ne is gone and there is just one lonely car sitting there.	I wonder if there is a mnemonic for spelling “MNEMONIC”

Bugger All	A plan so cunning...
While in OZ I thought about the phrase “Bugger Off” and its other forms such as: “Bugger Me”, “Bugger It” and “Bugger About” but I am Buggered if “Bugger On” has ever been used.	I have the solution to the Christmas madness. Spread the holiday out through the year. People with surnames beginning with “A” or “B” do Jan 25th, “C” and “D” do Feb 25th etc...


Pining Away	Openers
I wonder if people on Norfolk Island import regular pine trees to have something different in their yard.	Screw top bottle caps were introduced to make the opener obsolete and life better. Now Summit beer is bringing back the old style claiming they are easier than screw tops. I wonder if it because the arthritic hands of we baby-boomers can’t unscrew them suckers.

Parties	Slippery When Wet
Women have had Tupperware Parties for yonks. What about men—don’t they deserve their own Parties? How about a Black & Decker Party for DIY men or a Lure Party for fishermen? Tie Party? Or my favorite a Tupperware for Men (supersized plastic containers)?	Why must outdoor street scenes in movies always have wet roads even if its not raining? When did this begin?

QUAINT ATTIRE	Sexist or What?
When is the last time you saw a woman wearing a hat (no, baseball caps don’t count)? Aside from Queen Elizabeth, sunhats and at the Horse Racing events I don’t ever see them worn. Does anyone out there have a hat box stored in the attic or basement?	Why do we have a Ralph Jr, a Tom Jr or a Mike Jr, but never a Mildred Jr, a Helen Jr or a Patricia Jr?

STREET NAMES	Horace Greely Said:
I wonder if town planners are coming up with up-to-date names for new roads. A quick check finds: I Street and I Avenue exist—but no iStreet (where every building is white) yet. There is Google Drive, Twitter Court, Yahoo Road, eBay Drive and Dotcom Drive. How about Facebook Place or YouTube Boulevard?	“Go west, young man” Where do the old ones go? And what about the women, where do they go?

TIME	HOITY-TOITY
Did anyone else notice that somewhere in the past twenty years DJs stopped telling the time? When I was growing up it would be mentioned several times an hour and even more often during morning and evening rush hours. But no more. I wonder if there is a psychological reason for its cessation. Maybe I notice it when others don’t because I haven’t worn a watch since 1990.	Is the phrase derived from “High Tea” or is it the other way around? Okay everyone,pinkies up.


MERGER	I Vonder
If United Parcel Service (UPS) were to merge with Federal Express (Fed Ex), would it be known as: Fed UP.	...can you use a voodoo doll to give someone else varicose veins?


WEDDING WATERFALL	X-tra Rich?
Did you notice how you can merge Waterfalls and Weddings with BRIDAL VEIL Falls? Why are they always Bridal? Aren’t there any other kind of veils?	In New Zealand we have $1 and $2 coins. They are made of bronze and aluminum. So then why are they called “gold coins”? As in "gold coin donation".

AND Son	BASE ON BALLS
I wondered if So and So & Son is exclusive? Has there ever been So and So & Daughter? Google tells there is one: Walker & Daughter. Apparently, there are a few So and So & Daughters.	Have you ever noticed how often a pitcher will walk the next batter after giving up a home run? And even more so, it is usually on four straight balls.

EU Pastry	...Disgusting
Americans call it “Danish”. Danes call it “Wienerbrød”. The French call it Viennoiseries. Austrians invented it using Hungarian flour.	Bought a pack of Durian cookies in the 80’s and man did they stink. In 1997, while in Brunei, we ran across Durian ice cream! Some people actually like the stuff.

Houses of the Holy	El Toro
After reading The Pillars of Earth it seemed to me that back then the biggest building in a town was the church. Nowadays it could be a sports stadium that finds people attending on Sundays. Video evidence: .	Canines do dog fighting. Roosters do cock fighting Pigs do pig fighting (in China) Crickets do cricket fighting (China) So, why is it man vs steer for Bull Fighting? Shouldn’t it be bull against bull?

Fat Free Food	GOATEE
Isn’t it strange that almost every food product touts it is “97%” Fat Free. Why aren’t some 93.6% and others 95.5%. Those same foods were probably always 3% fat but it is only that nowadays reducing fat intake is “in” hence the hype.	. This is true — just have a look. Why it is, I don’t know. Men who’s hair has turned white or gray have a tendency to grow a goatee. I am sure that it is about a 10 to 1 ratio compared to men whose hair has not turned.

Everybody now...	Ice Cream
I have never done a “Hue and Cry” which is apparently to shout and get people chasing a criminal. The closest I have come was in Fiji to yell the Hindi word: “choro” which means “thief” and only used it in humorous situations.	I love French Vanilla ice cream. I wonder what Israeli Vanilla tastes like. What about good old New Zealand Vanilla? I also wonder what the French call French Vanilla.

...Jumpin’ Johosephat	It Is a Word
Why did Johosephat jump? Apparently, more than once. Maybe he moved about on a pogo stick. Could it be that he was actually a rabbit, wallaby or kangaroo?	We are often offered the highlights of a game, a movie, a book to save time and getting to the good bits. Has anyone ever gone through and identified the LOWLIGHTS?

Kinda Kinky	Landlord
I just bought a non-kink garden hose, so what does it do the first time we unroll it and try to use it? No prize for getting the correct answer.	Australian company, has sold its NZ villages, including OSV, to an American company. So everyone here wonders (worries?) what the change might bring.

Everyone plus the Cat	Move to the Back
These days movie credits roll for about 20 minutes including the name of the guy who held the ladder for the electrician.	At a time when in the States black people are still being told to move to the back of the bus, here in New Zealand it appears to be the prime choice of passengers. Nearly every bus that I see these days only has people seated at the rear. Why??? Once I did see a little old lady sitting right behind the driver.

...Chapter and Verse	Fondue
Finished a book which is so typical of modern novels. 500 pages of large print and big margins with 99 chapters. A chapter every 5 pages. Another sign of our ever shortening attention span?	Trish Muses: "Why call it Fondue, when, obviously, some people were actually, NOT fond of it at all?"

Roots	Neck of the Woods
Here in New Zealand we get funny looks whenever we use the American “beets”. You see they should be “beetroots”. Why not radish-roots, carrot-roots or turnip-roots? Is it because beet leaves are also consumable and there is a need to distinguish between the two?	As in “how are things in your neck of the woods” probably meaning neighbourhood. Why neck? Why woods? Why not “Knee of the trees” or “Foot of the forest” or “Spine of the pines” and for you Kiwis “Butt of the bush”.

And the OSCAR...	PG
I have been a fan of B-Movies. You know, the type that would be played on late night TV. While most of these are horrendous, I think it is sad that there is no award for “The Best’” in the same categories as with the major films. I’d call them BOSCARS. And the BOSCAR for the Best Supporting Bactor goes to.... UPDATE: They do exist!! check it out	It has always meant "Pregnant". It became "Parental Guidance" meaning that the parents should decided if their offspring could watch a movie, Nowadays, it means that the younguns show the dinosaurs how to use their smart phones, iPads and tablets.

Ps and Qs	BIGGER IS NOT ALWAYS BETTER
Why do we have to mind our “Ps and Qs”? How do we do that? What happens if we don’t? I don’t mind “P” so much but “Q” is another matter. In Scrabble we say: “May the Q be with you”.	I am a regular eater of sardines. As a small child Ne once shouted to David: “He eats the tail!!!” Anyway, I am very disappointed. In the old days one would get 10 small fish in a can. But now I find 3 large monsters that are way too chewy.

Joshua 7.6	Who and Why
Why did Joshua rent his clothes, couldn't he afford to buy some? Or was he off to a fancy do. I wonder how many shekels a toga went for.	Why did someone leave a cake out in the rain? Who was it? A couple who were having a romantic picnic when all of a sudden a downpour began? An old man with dementia? A terrorist?

Gender Statues	I THINK THEREFORE...
When you look into an average yard it is unlikely that you will see a statue. If you do, I reckon it will either be a naked young female or an old short man who looks like he came straight from Snow White. There are even ancient Roman and Greek Transgender ones.	Aretha Franklin sang: “You better think”. When does a child realize that they are “thinking”. I imagine it has something to do with language ability coming along. It ties in with Self-Awareness. It must be so natural that you don’t even think about it, eh?

VET VET VETS	Trish says...
A Vietnam Veteran, now a Veterinarian, checking out a job applicant’s credentials. I know - its a stretch	Shouldn’t it be “a war-of-tug”? Makes heaps more sense, eh?

BAGS	A Tisket, A Tasket
With the end of single-use plastic bags at supermarkets men have been put in touch with their feminine side. You see them carrying empty “bags” around the malls of NZ on their way to the supermarket.	Apparently, people go to hell in a Hand Basket. I wonder what kind of basket you go to heaven in. Foot, apple, flax? And what kind of Basket do “Basket Cases” use?

STUBBLE	Non-Plus
Styles change. In older movies and TV shows the hero was always clean shaven despite having no opportunity or gear to shave. In modern ones the hero now has stubble that remains the same length. Go figure.	Hands up - who has ever been “non-plussed”? Now then, who has been “plussed”? What does it feel like? Is a non-plus a negative?

TWAIN	Where does Weight go?
Doncha feel sorry for those Twains (does that include Shaina?). Apparently, they shall never meet. What’s up with that? Don’t they have Facebook? Speaking of Twain, the other night I couldn’t remember Samuel Clemons pen-name.	I know where it goes when it comes...my belly. But where is it off to when you “lose it”. Why do you lose it? Isn’t it much better to reduce weight rather than loose it? For those of you who won’t Google this, the answer is you expel 84% of it as vapour and the other 16% leaves as liquid in sweat or urine.

Check Please	A Kiss Is Just a Kiss
We all go to doctors and dentists for a “check up”. Has anyone ever had a “check down”?	Our friend, Monique, ended an email telling me to give a French Kiss to each of the family. I wrote back and told what it meant. She replied that in France it is called a Russian Kiss.

On The Ball	Rules
HIGHBALL drinks have been fashionable for yonks. Apparently, there is glassware known as “lowballs”. But I have yet to find a “lowball” drink.	There is a “Rule of Thumb” and a “Rule of Law”. I propose a “Rule of Malley”: Don’t Get Mad, Get Even. It has been around for about 60 years but no one has claimed it.

Whether or Not	Multi???
People can be “Under the Weather”. Maybe after two weeks of rain a person might be: “I am so Over the Weather!” Soon the whole world will have had it with the weather.	Now they say that there are multiple universes. Are they connected somehow? And just how many dimensions are there? And don’t get me started on string theory.

When Did It Happen?	Tea'd Off
These days the author’s name fills most of the front cover of book. But the books that I have from the 60’s it is the title that holds the honor of being important.	Remember when tea was just tea? As an ill child I was given green tea. Coming to tea drinking New Zealand in 1973 I discovered Earl Grey, Lapsong Souchong, Breakfast, Oolong, Darjeeling etc... Today I had a Lipton’s Vanilla Chai Latte.

Newsy Ponders	The Three?
Steve wonders why very hot weather is described as a “HEAT WAVE”, but very cold weather is said to be a “COLD SNAP”. I can't find a reason for "heat Wave". Snap can mean: "a sudden assault or seizure.”	Why are they called the Three Musketeers when they never had a musket? Shouldn’t they be the Three Swordsmen? And don’t get me started on why “Three” when there were four.

Weighty Subject	The Light
Take a look at my yearbook from 1964 and compare it to one today. What will you notice? 1964: the odd overweight child. Today its the odd "normal weight" one. Hate to think what 2064 will be like.	If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator? What did people do at night with the old ice box fridges?

Contractors	Women
Saw a van with “Contractors” on its side. Are these people who write contracts? Or do they try to dupe unsuspecting tractors? And don't get me started on protractors...	Over the years I have noted that when Gail is on the phone with someone who is coming to visit that day, they spend a long time talking. Why don’t they just wait until they are together?


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