Final Script

Scene I
  The stage is set with three doors.  The first door is in the shape of a tombstone and on it is chiseled "Human Race".  The second door represents the Gates to Heaven where M.O.D. resides and the third door is to Hell.
St Michael enters and cautiously looks around, then breaks out his harp and breaks into "Here Comes The Judge here comes the judge, order in the courtroom cause here comes the Judge".
St Peter comes on and gives St M a sour look, takes the harp away and gives him a staff.  He removes "Angel First Class" badge from St M and puts on "Angel 4th Class" badge.  St M sulks to his desk while St P moves to center stage and with great plum starts to sing:
"Pearly Gates, up in Heaven
Angels flying around
Foolin' with their harps
When I start to sing
They all hang their heads in awe
Cause, let's face it
At singing, I'm the king
Except maybe for M.O.D."
 At this point the door of Hell squeaks open and smoke pours out of it.  The Devil enters hacking and coughing and very innocently pronounces: "Its hot as Hell in there".  Gives the audience the "Evil Eye".
Two Hell's Angels in motorcycle gear and chains enter via Hell.
St P: "Who are they?"
Devil: "They are my Methylated Spirits, Corruption and Repulsion"
St P: "Such ugliness must not obscure the majesty of these procedings, OUT!"
St M thinks the remark was made in reference to him and so he starts to slink off the stage.
St P: "Not you; These two demons"
Corruption: "Get your motor running"
Repulsion: "Head out on the highway"
Devil: "They were Born to Be Wild". and they exit.
St P: "Now, we have some serious business to get on with".  Goes to a blackboard and rules three columns: "The Good" "The Bad" and "The Ugly".
Devil says: "And we'll start with you", takes the chalk and writes "St Peter" under Ugly.
St P: "Friend, lest we mix the bad with the good we must forever avoid the ugly.  Remember, even the ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan".
Devil: "Then quack off".
St M - while the above was going on has erased St Peter's name whereupon gives him back his "1st Class" badge.
St P: "Friend, I think that this is no time to joke.  I am willing to bet that when we are finished today there will be more under "Good" than under "Bad" YOU OVER HEATED PRIMUS STOVE!"
Devil: "You're on WHITE KNIGHT, I'll bet ten trips to Cloud 9 against your lovely harp".
St P: "MY HARP! NEVER! This sacred instrument shall never get into your hands".
Devil: "Give us a try (takes the harp forcibly) and sings 'There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight'. Okay, I'll bet you a lifetime supply of yaqona.
St P: "Yaqona, groovy.  You're on , B.Z." (To St M):"Summons the first one.
St M opens a giant book and blows the accumulated dust into St P's face whereupon he gets demoted again. He reads from the book: "Samson Hero and strong man of Biblical times known for his many good deeds.  However, his haor was cut off by his wife and he lost his strength.  Samson slowly crawls in.
St P: "My son, I pray thee enter the Pearly Gates"
Devil: "You can have the weakling and marks one under "Good".
St P: "Ah, he may have been weak but arise, ARISE, Samson.  Once more know your full power".
Samson goes to the Gates and with his new strength pulls the handle right off.
St P: "Sorry I forgot to unlock the Gate. (pulls large key out of pocket and lets Samson in). To Devil: "No one gets in without my permission".
Devil: "How inhospitable; anyone can enter my kingdom and live forever in the splendid warmth of 5 billion benzene lights".
St P: "And may they leave?"
Devil (laughing): "Return? .... That's a good one... Return? (turns to the audience) NO ONE returns, no one..."
St P: "Next one Brother Michael".
St M: "Delilah evil wife of Samson, known throughout history as 'The Barber'.
Delilah (enters with a large pair of scissors): "I cut Samson's hair and I'll cut yours too" (runs to St P) "I hate hippies" (begins to cut but backs off and yells): "Na kutu!!!!"
Devil comes over and puts his arm around her: "My dear we are in need of a good barber in my kingdom, the pay is good and you meet very interesting heads there". (points to the door)
Delilah: "But all that smoke?"
Devil: "Its just a temporary short in our electric clippers.  Please join our happy community".
Delilah: "Deal big boy, just show me the way".
St P: "Okay that's one for you and one for me" (marks it on the blackboard).
St M: "Hannibal Carthiginian general who made a feeble attempt to crush the alps with 3000 elephants.  And once heard to have said: "May a mongoose bite your toe".
St P addressing Hanibal: "What do you have to say for yourself?"
Hannibal: "May a mongoose bite your toe"
Devil: "That a boy you tell him" To St P: "I like this chap, can I have him?"
St P: "May a MOONGOOSE bite my TOE?????!!!!"
Devil: "Good then its settled" To Hannibal: "How would you like to lead 10,000 flaming kangaroos UNDER the ALps?"
Hannibal: "May a mongoose bite your toe".
Devil: "Good, good I like you. I like you very much".
St P: "Next"
St M: "Hitler (see Eric for details)
St P: "Next one, Brother"
St M: "Cleopatra (Devil whistles) Sultry temptress of Egypt, beauty beyond any other woman, known for her many milk baths. (she is carried on a stretcher by two slaves - has a sign "Drive Safely - Nanlal Brothers").
Devil: "Nice bola" (brushes imaginary dandruff off his suit and puts on a BIG smile).
Cleo: "Say, who's the big boy around here? (takes a quick look over of the Devil then focuses long and hard on St P) You look important.
St P: "The M.O.D. (bows head) is in charge of everything.  I rule the gates of heaven.  No one may enter without my permission.  You see, I have THE Keys... (shows her the keys and puts them back in his pocket)
Cleo sidles up to St P, sweet talks him, picks the keys and triumphantly shows them to the audience.
St P: "they are of no use to anyone but me".
Cleo: "You can't fool me, I'll get into your kingdom". (tries them; they don't work so she throws them and rants adn raves)
St M runs over and picks the keys up, polishes them and gives them to St P and gets promoted back to Angel 1st Class.
Devil sees his chance and boldly approaches Cleo: "Allow me to introduce myself; Beelzebub, Ruler of Hades, 800 million spirits at my command.  Of my kingdom I alone possess power.  People shake at the sound of my name, BEELZEBUB. (Two slaves start shaking).
Cleo: "Say, your okay.  Just where is this place of yours, anywhere the Nile?"
Devil: "The Nile? The Nile is but a mere drop of water compared to my river.  Yes, the Nabukalo Creek is like one never seen nor smelled before.  Come let me show you". (Cleo gets onto stretcher and go into Hell).
Devil returns: "Looks like a good day for me" (Writes 'Cleo' on board) To St P - "I'll be playing your harp in no time".
St P: "The trial is far from over. Next".
St M: Bluebeard and crew sailed the high seas in search of gold and women.  Evil to crew in many ways - flogged them for reading comic books; known to have hung men by their thumbs for speaking 'local languages'.  Crew named the ship 'Queen Victoria".  Crew enters carrying a milk churn and spyglass singing "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum".
P1: "Aye, mates this looks a good spot.  Break out the kava".
P2 removes lid from milk churn, fills a bilo and passes it to P3.
P3 Looks at St P: "Looks at that doll in the dress".
P1: "Come here my sweetie".
P2 Looks through spyglass: "Wait mate, she's a he!"
P3: "So she is... I've been to sea too long".
Bluebeard enters, sees the milk churn open and says: "Who's been drinking my homebrew?"
P2: "He has sir (points to P3), give him 2 hours".
BB: "Two hours is too good for the likes of him, me thinks I'll expel him from the ship".
St P approaches.
BB: "Look alive mates, here comes a sail". (Crew jumps up and draw swords).
St P: "Your swords will no longer slash and ye shall not plunder the good earth anymore for thou hast entered another world".
border-bottom: "Listen to him mates he talks right sweetly now doesn't he.  I'll handle him". (gives the crew a big wink and they all laugh). "Excuse me sir (said the same way the boys do) but to what port have me and my mates come too?  Me thinks I have never heard of this place and its not on any treasure map".
Devil upon hearing "treasure" grabs a piece of paper and walks over: "Bluebeard, oh Captain Bluebird may I have a word with you... privately?"
BB to mates: "Aye, maties, another one, watch the one s with the dresses and I'll have words with this red one.
Devil: "Could I interest you in a map?  See this 'X'?  It tells where gold can be found"..
BB: "Gold ye say? Here I'll have a look at this".
Devil: "Not so fast, you must pay a certain price".
BB: "A price, what price?  Why I'd sell my soul for gold".
Devil: "That can be arranged very easily... just sign on the bottom line and don't read the fine print".
BB signs and goes back to his men.
Devil put a big 'X' on the door to Hell, eats a banana and puts the peel down very obviously to audience.
BB: "Aye mates time to ship off, there's gold waiting to be found".
Crew cheers
BB reading map: "Start at the Pearly Gates....there... ten steps forward, west 7 steps and north six steps from banana peel...what banana peel?" (slips on the same, falls, hat comes off and crew laughs big time).
Florence Nightengale comes out from Pearly Gates with bandages wearing a man's hat.  Fixes BB's leg.
BB: "Thank ye miss, what is your name?"
FN: "I'm Florence Nightengale, sir".
BB: "Well Flo, here's a piece of 8 for your kindness".
FN: "Oh no, I never accept money.  I collect hats, may I have yours?"
B B: "Why sure missie, there it is"
FN puts hat on and exits.
BB: "Give me that map...6 steps north of the banana peel...(ends up in front door to Hell)...Well, where's the 'X'?
Crew look all over but don't see it.
BB: "Give me the glass" (spies around, Devil steps in front and looks into the other end) "Men I see something weird, its ugly, its sickening, its..."
Devil: "Yes, may I be of some service"?
BB: "This map; its no good; there's no 'X'".
Devil looks at door: "Oh, I'm sorry, its upside down". He tunrs it over.
BB: "Yes, there it IS" (all rush in)
Devil marks the count on board as they go in and to St P: "He was a funny chap.  Reminded me of a Headmaster I once had in school".
St P: "Pity, headmasters never make it to Heaven.  But there are more, Next".
St M: "Monster created by Dr Frankenstein.  Led a very lonely life.  His only friend was Igor Wilkins, an evil little man who trained the monster to kill".
Igor enters and drags himself over to the Devil, looks him in the eye and the Devil shirks back in horror, goes to the blackboard and puts a mark under "Ugly".
Igor: "Come boy, come".
Frankenstein bashes fist through door, walks toward St P who runs to the blackboard and puts more marks under "Ugly".  Monster moves toward Devil runs into the audience - monster procedes to menace the boys
St P: "Igor, you trained this monster to kill - you must both be banished to the flames of Hell".
Igor: "No, Igor good.  Igor trained monster.  Igor show you". (Goes to the monster) "Igor, boy, Igor.  friend, friend".
Frank: "Friend".
Igor takes out a flute and says: "Dance, boy, dnace" (plays flute)
Frank hears music, smiles and dances.
Igor stops playing and monster gets upset, takes flute and tries to play it, can't; more upset and starts to destroy things".
St P: "You see he is wild, there is no place for him in my house, GO".
Igor: "We go" Plays flute and leads monster into Hell.
St P to Devil: "Boy was he ugly, compared to you look like Miss Adi Tailevu". "Who's next Brother Michael"?
St M: Next is Al Capone, alias Al Capone.  Unchallenge gang leader of the Mafia in Chicago and Queen Victoria School in Fiji during the 1920's.  Known to be a ruthless, vicious, cruel, utterly heartless and not a VERY NICE PERSON".
Two hoodlums enter with machine guns.  One trains it on the audience while the other frisks St P and fins the key.
Frank Nitty: "Wow, nice key, buddy.  I'd like to see the safe this ting opens.  Come on, spill the beans or I'll spill something else.
St P stands shocked, the Devil has been off stage and St M is sleeping.
Al Capone comes in: "Atta boy, Frank.  Watcha get from the kook in the nightshirt.  Man, some key.  Okay, punk, tell me where the money is and we'll be partners.  I'll let you into my syndicate.
St P: "I would never lower myself to be a partner in misdeeds".
AC: "Boys, I think we struck a nut".
Devil comes on: "Al, Baby!!!"
AC: "Beelze, Baby. Boys I want you to meet the greatest proponent of the hotfoot to ever burn through Chicago.  How's business these days?"
Devil: "I can't complain, my competition is burning with envy.  I'm making money to burn. (to audience: "Everything Burns).
AC: "What you pushing that's so HOT?"
Devil: "Home brew. What are you up to nowadays?"
AC: "I'm running a syndicate among the 6th form at QVS. I've got my boy there pushing watered down cordial.  Everyday at 5PM a couple of my boys force the students to buy a cup of it".
Devil: "What kind of profit?"
AC: "Well, the boys don't have too much money, but I've got a good extortionist, Eroni, who forces them to pay".
Devil: "Sounds great".
AC: "Yah, the boys think its for a trip for the sixth form but we use the money to pay off the teachers, so my boys can get out of maintenance"
Devil: "Al, you can do better than that.  Why don't you join my home brew syndicate?  I can give you a good cut, say 400%.
AC: "400%, that stuff must be hot?"
Devil: "It is Al.  And the singe benefits are tremendous".
AC: "Okay, come on boys (opens door) Man, what's all that smoke?"
Devil: "That's fromt he last police station we burnt down".
AC: "Great I can see that we are going to get on like a house of fire" Closes door.
Devil: "Yah, like a house in continual fire.  Hahahahahah, another great white warrior". (marks on the board)
Selma comes running in: "Al, Al honey, where are you?"
St P: "Can I help you madam?"
Selma: "Yah, have you seen Al?"
St P: "Al?"
Selma: "Yah you know, Al.  He left me outside and told me to keep the motor running.  And now the creep gives me the slip.  If he's found another ACS girl I'll kill him".
St M: "Is your friend one Alphonse Capone?"
Selma: "Yah, dat's da bum.  Do you know where he is?"
St M: "I believe he was conducting some business with that uh, er, that gentleman" (points to Devil).
Selma: "Thanks honey (pinches his cheek) you're kind of cute". (bounces over to the Devil): "Say, where is Al?"
Devil: "He's working for me now".
Selma: "Working for you! That's a laugh.  Al don't work for nobody".
Devil: "Shall we say that we have a business arrangement?"
Selma: "Okay, okay, but where's Al?"
Devil: "He is in there, allow me to escort you". (They go in).
St P: "Next and I hope we are near the end, these days are murder; seems like they NEVER END".
St M: "Just a few more; and the next one is James Bond.  While he worked for an international police force in England he killed numerous men.
James Bond enters with women hanging on, carrying a briefcase: "I understand I am to meet 'M'".
St P: "Not 'M', 'M.O.D.'... this is rather personal, do you mind" (motioning to the girls).
JB: "Yes, of course".  Kisses each girl and says something as each one leaves).
St P: "Now, you are here in this tribunal to attest for your actions while on Earth.  We have it on record that mercilessly murdered 107 men.  What do you have to say for yourself?"
JB: "Its all rather simple.  Just contact 'M'.  He will tell you that I have a licence to kill.  Here, I've got.....here it is".
Devil: "A licence to kill.  Let me see that. .... Do you think I could have one of these?"
JB: "Only if you are dedicated to justice, freedom of mankind and have a genuine love for your brother".
Devil: "Oh I do I do.  I love mankind and I'm a very nice person.  Please get me a licence".
JB: " I don't know.  It takes a lot of work.  You have to fill in lots of forms and take a physical and I don't think you'd pass.  You smoke too much".
Devil: "You yourself smoke, please try".
JB: "Okay" (pulls off shoe and talks into it) "Working? Working?" (puts shoe back on and opens briefcase - takes out various objects and finally gets a trumpet shell to work) "What was that number again?"
Devil: (sees that it is written on briefcase 'Headquarters Dial 007') "Try 007"
JB: "That's it but its in code" (pulls out code book searches through and comes up with '007')
Dials the number: "Hello M, this is Bond, James Bond".
Devil is on other end of phone line: "Hello 007, I want you to get onto an airplane and fly here immediately".
JB: "I will".
Devil had put up "Fiji Airways" sign over door to Hell.
JB sees sign and goes over.
Devil: "Yes sir, can I help you?"
JB: "I'd like to be booked to Fiji".
Devil: "This is your lucky day sir ... we have a flight leaving immediately.  Here is your ticket. Just follow the stewardess".
Stewardess: "Nise bola!!"
JB: "This should be an interesting flight". Exits.
Devil: "Another one" Marks it on the board.
St P: "You tricked him, though I think he is headed in the right direction".
Clark Kent wanders onto the set.
St P: "Who are you"?
CK: "I'm Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for the Victorian.
St P to St M: "Clark Kent, is he in the book?"
St M thumbs through the book: "Here it is Kent, Clark.  An orphan found by Ma and Pant Kent in Smallville.  Newspaper reporter... there's no ... he hasn't died yet".
St P: "There must be some sort of mistake.  He wouldn't be here if he had not died".
St M thumbs frantically through the book - "He HASN'T died - there's no record!"
CK: "Okay, maybe I can explain". Strips down to his Superman outfit.
St M: "Its a bird".
St P: "Its a plane".
Devil: "THAT's Superman ????"
SM: "Yes, I am Superman of Krypton and I am able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, stop speeding locomotives, and I am faster than a speeding bullet.  Let me demonstrate".  Tries to lift a 200Kg weight and can't do it.  "I must be going for I have a never-ending search for wrong doers... up, up and away (slips on the banana peel).
FN: Comes on and gives him two oversized pills: "Here, take two sulfa tablets".
SM: "Thank you; can I crush a piec of coal into a diamond for you?"
FN: "Thanks, but do you have a hat that I can have?"
SM: "Yes, there is my Clark Kent hat".
FN Puts on hat and leaves.
SM climbs on table, starts flappy his arms like a bird: "Up, up and away" and runs off the stage.
Charlie Chaplin comes in with a clock and a bell, looks at clock and rings the bell.  Picks up the weight and carries it off.
St M: Picks up bugle and blows it: "5 o'clock ... tea time".

Notes: Charlie Chaplin will do routine whenever a scene is dying, some one forgets lines or if a scene gets completely unravelled. Sausage (snake charmer) Rope (both ends) Coconut on a leash St M can be found to be reading a comic book behind The Book

Scene II
In Hell. There is a long banquet table. Orderlies labelled "4B" put out silverware and plates.  They throw cassava at each other.  One goes out and rings bell.  Cast enters and sits at table facing audience.
Devil: "Eat and drink for tomorrow is punishment day".
Devil: "Friends we have a treat for us.  We have a rock and roll group who have recently been banished from Fiji. The Rhinoceros Beatles.

Beatles sing:
"Oh what painful heat rash
Suffering from the soot
Temperatures are soring
Boy, this place is hot

chorus: Boil us, bake us Fry us, grill us I ain't got nothing but heatstroke Eight Days a Week

Boy I feel dejected
Satan's curse on me
Smoker's cough is deadly
Here its all TB

chorus

Raging fires are burning
What a place to be
Guitar strings just melt here
Devil laughs at me

Chorus"

Devil and Murray (as himself) are now centre stage.
Devil: "So what are you here for?"
MH: "I killed my wife".
Devil: "Really, why?"
MH: "She was no good, she cheated on me.  Then one night when I came home late there she was in the arms of another man. So I waited outside until he left, then I went inside.  She was standing behind.  Slowly I turned, step by step closer and closer, I grabbed her around the neck and squeezed and squeezed ..... (by now has devil around neck)".
Devil: "Hey, back off".
MH: "Oh sorry".
Devil: "Really old man, that's no way to act".
MH: "I can't help it. Whenever I think of her I go crazy.  Promise you will never same her name".
Devil: "What name?"
MH: "Mary... Mary. Whenever I hear that name I lose control".
Devil: "Don't worry, I'll never say 'Ma...' ha, bet you thought I was going to say 'Mary'".
MH: "MARY!!!!!!" (routine)
Devil: "Easy there man. Here have a drink".
MH: "What is it?"
Devil: "Its a bloody Mary"
MH: "MARY!!!!!!" (routine)
Devil: "Stop it.  Here go sit down with the others. Eat, Drink and be M-e-r-r-r-r-r-y".
MH: "MARY!!!!!!" (routine)
Devil: Gets a pie walks up behind MH: "oh Murray".
MH: "MARY!!!" - turns and gets pie in face".
MH picks up a pie but the Devil ducks it and someone at the table gets it and this causes "All hell to break loose".
Charlie Chaplin enters and everyone starts creeping up on him and just when they are going to plaster him the lights start flashing and thunder can be heard.  So everyone starts to cower.  A voice is heard, greatly magnified and it says: "THIS IS M.O.D. - LIGHTS OUT"